I feel like that title is a bit harsh..maybe I’ll change it when I am done typing and sorting through my feels. Honestly though, this doesn’t happen to me very often, but when it does, gosh it hurts!
I have learned over these past few years to be very protective of my heart. I don’t allow much time for self pity and wallow. I focus on the positive, and I put my energy into my health and doing all that I can to be a properly functioning, healthy home for a wee babe one day. As another year passes by, another month flips over on the calendar, days slip into each other .. sometimes out of no where I will get this intense punch to my gut that just rips me apart and I can’t control it for a minute or two. The tears flow..hard. My chest tightens as I try and breath through the pain my heart is trying to sort through..and there is only one person who can comfort me and talk me through it. He is the only one. Because he is right beside me, he too is feeling these feels that are so hard to even put into words. He too doesn’t allow much time for self pity, or poor me feels. But in that moment of weakness he holds me up and puts me back together with his love and words.
Today that happened to me again. It hasn’t happened for a good while, however today it sucker punched me in the Starbucks line up. You see..today marked 8 days late. I have never, ever been this late. I was at the doctors today for a refill on a prescription for my face lotion (hello, hormonal acne). I tell the doctor..’so yeah..I’m like 8 days late, peed on 2 sticks both say not pregnant’, and she’s all ‘oh those can lie, please give us some of your urine so we can test it with our better pregnancy test’. I tell her..’lady, I have no ‘sample’ to give you at the moment’, and she’s all ‘oh don’t worry there is a Starbucks at the end of the road. Go there and come back’. So like a good human obey the doctor and go to Starbucks. I kid you NOT.. I literally gave the guy my drink order when BAM, I felt flow coming on..I seriously wish I was exaggerating..but I’m not! I franticly texted Kyle to call me as I held myself together while waiting on my tea. I then receive my order and walk back to the doctors office to inform the nurse lady that I will not be giving her my sample…and I receive that ‘Oh I’m so sorry’ look. As I got to the car the tears were burning up fast. He called..and the flood gates opened as I choked out the words, that this month was another ‘not this time’ on our dreams of starting a family. Bless his heart because he is always so positive, and encouraging. He so sweetly let me cry it out as he went through everything we have to be thankful for, reminding me too of all that we are possibly doing in our power to be healthy, he reminded me that we just for some reason are that couple that needs a little extra help and we are getting it. He reminded me that one day, some how, we will be a family. That I will have a baby in my arms that so badly ache for my own. That today we need to do the best we can, and just keep thankful. He also reminded me of what my dad said to him..’your life is so wonderful, what you two have together is amazing, and even though you are lacking that one thing in your life right now, you have so much to be thankful for’! It doesn’t get more truer than that. Honestly.
Now I am home. I am more settled as I write this out, somehow for me talking about it, writing about it is much more helpful for me. And like Kyle says, it’s no secret. It’s obvious something is up for us. I understand that for some it’s just not easy to talk about. It isn’t easy for me either. I mean what do I expect others to say? Nothing really. There isn’t anything to be said. And truthfully it’s not something we, together even like to talk about much. Because we don’t need to beat the subject more than it already has been, and we don’t like to ‘dwell’ on it either. However, there are those days, that out of the blue sucker punch our guts and knock us down a bit. On those days we do talk, we walk through each others emotions together, digesting everything we are feeling..but then we move forward. Thankfully we have held each other in this experience, and I can honestly say I am so thankful that it has made us grow deeper in our faith and in our marriage.
If you are reading this and have fertility struggles, or know someone who does, give yourself some love, or send them some love. A simple hug, or ‘thinking of you’ always is uplifting. If you are reading this and struggle with this too, or something completely different that sucker punches your gut..my best, tried and true advice is allow yourself to feel the feels. All of them. I mean common..today I was driving home in my car ugly crying..and I’m sure each car I sat next to at each stop light, that person probably looked over and thought WTH! Whatever though! Feel the feels. It isn’t good to hold it in..let it go, and move forward. Then please oh please chant your list of thankfulness. Think of every single thing, person, you have to be thankful for. It will lift your heart beyond what you could imagine. No it will not take away the gaping hole in your heart, but it will ease the pain. And it will remind you of just how amazing your life is, and how much you really are blessed..even if that one part of your life isn’t falling into place maybe how you’d imagined it.
Well I really didn’t mean for this to be so heavy, or depressing. I do however feel slightly better..or clearer. My life isn’t perfect, and that’s okay because otherwise it would be dull. Together with my husband, we are up against a pretty big challenge that we never dreamed we would face, but thats okay too, because not everything comes easy, and life isn’t supposed to be fair, and what matters is how we deal with each challenge. And thats facing everything together head on! And if you..like me today need that extra tight hug of assurance, I’m sending you one!
Oh .. ya. I’m not changing the title. I’ve decided it’s kind of dramatic…like the way it hit me at Starbucks today! Fitting? I think so!